Thursday, September 4, 2008

Random notes from the farm

Dear Viper,

I know you thought it was Christmas morning when I spilled your dog food all over the kitchen floor at 4:37 a.m. today. It's not. It's the fact that I can't feel my hands and while I thought they were carrying the food quite nicely, the waterfall of kibble told me otherwise. You can thank Baby Angus and the carpal tunnel he brought with him. However, I am quite impressed by your hoover-like abilities, as I think you thought you hit the jackpot. Good thing you ate it before Maggie came back inside.

The Numb Mommy-To-Be

Dear Toyota,

I filled my hybrid yesterday for the first time. I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever done a little dance at the gas station. Not one that impressed anyone but myself, mind you. But it was a happy hybrid dance. Not only did I get 617 miles out of one tank, but I averaged 43.55 miles per gallon. If I still had my Big Money Waster, I would have paid an additional $47.09 just to drive it the same amount of miles. Your Toyota Camry Hybrid gave me the gift of an extra 286 miles of driving bliss, and I only needed 14.169 gallons of fuel. I am your biggest fan here in Rainier.

The Nerdiest Junior-Hypermiler in Thurston County

Dear Gov. Palin,

You are one of a kind. Authentic, candid, strong, and not afraid to stand up for what's right. You are the type of feminist that I epitomize. Thank you for giving me (and the rest of the country) a glimpse into a woman who balances life with a career, not compromising on either, while leading in a way that people choose to follow.

And for the record, I love that there is an entire collection of Chuck Norris style facts about you to be found on the internet. These are among my favorites:
  • When Sarah Palin booked a flight to Europe, the French immediately surrendered.
  • Sarah Palin became governor because five children left her with too much spare energy.
  • Alaska is the 49th state solely because they knew even before she was born that Sarah Palin would never finish last.
  • It’s not raining in DC. Those are God’s tears of joy that McCain picked Sarah Palin.
  • Sarah Palin fishes salmon by convincing them it’s in their interest to jump into the boat.
  • We don’t know who would win in a Chuck Norris - Sarah Palin cage match because they’ve never invented a cage that can hold Sarah Palin.

We're buckling in for an election season that will be like none other. Your acceptance speech last night rocked. I am behind you 100%.

Mrs. Ski (+Angus, though he can't vote yet.)

Dear Mark-Paul Gosselaar,

I was really excited to see that you are starring in a new drama this fall on TNT, Raising The Bar. A show about attorneys! Featuring my all-time favorite actor from my youth! My collection of Saved By The Bell DVDs - including the college years, seasons of NYPD Blue, and the taped-from-my-VCR edition of Hyperion Bay episodes needed something newer and I was so excited.

But honestly? Your haircut's got to go. If my attorney husband grew out his hair like you have...I would throw him under the lawn mower and trim it up.

You should be glad to know that it's only #10 on the celebrities' bad hair days awards.

More Zack Morris. More Detective John Clark. Less surfer hippie style that needs a job. Sheesh, raise the bar already!

The Former-Thought-She-Would-Be-Mrs.-Morris-All-Throughout-High-School

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